Death of Self

I gaze into a stagnant

Pool of water.

Under the tepid water,

I see my face staring

Ghastly, hauntingly.

Repulsed by this vision,

I try to look away.

But I cannot.

My eyes are locked

Upon my own eyes.

As I continue to stare,

I begin to wonder

What this vision means.

The other part of me

Keeps watching, silently.

My eyes are telling me something.

I look deeper.

My face enters the water.

As it closes over my head,

I understand.

path and reaction

Psalm 16:11~"You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever."
Joy and pleasure isn't found along the path of life. It is found in the presence of Almighty God! Here I keep seeking for joy and only come up empty. I keep wandering from God's presence. Satan keeps feeding me the lie that God wants to limit me, to confine me. yet God delights to give! No good thing does He withhold from those who love Him! What good things does he want to give me that I am too busy to see? How many times do I scorn the gift while at the same time imploring the Giver for something else?

*New thought pattern*

As I was reading my Bible this morning, the following passage from 1 Samuel really stuck out to me:
"Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God" (30:6).
David's life was on the line here! All of his mighty warriors were suddenly angry and upset at him. They were blaming him for the terrible loss each of them had sustained. David was faced with a very explosive and potentially lethal situation. And how did he respond? He strengthened himself in the LORD! That word for strengthen means to fasten upon; to seize; to lay hold of, to lean on. David didn't just reach for God; he grabbed Him and hung on for all he was worth!
What is my first response when trouble comes my way? Do I strengthen myself in the Lord, or do I look to others to give me the strength and courage I cannot find within myself? God is the only One who will never let me down under pressure. In my weakness, He is made strong. Oh for the grace to cling to Him with every fiber of my being!

Flame

Snow spirals downward,
Drifting upon an icy wind.
Darkness has fallen
Bringing the chill with it.

In the middle of a
Snow-laden field
Sits a lone point of light,
Laboring against the inky cold.

The candle flame flickers
As icy tendrils reach toward it.
It dances to the rhythm
Of its need for survival.

Snow continues its descent
Yet the flame perserveres
Casting an eerie yellow glow
Across the gathering white.

Pink and orange streak the sky.
The candle's dance quickens
Sensing its ally has arrived.
Morning is dawning.

random jumbledness

I'm just typing out thoughts. They probably won't be connected or make any sense. If you want to read them, be my guest. If not, I understand.
First quote that inspired thought:

"Of late God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry almost continually, so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of Him more insatiable and my thirstings after holiness more unquenchable." ~ David Brainerd

Psalm 42:1-2~"As the deer pants for water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?"
Psalm 63:1~"O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."
Psalm 81:10b~"Open your mouth wide and I will fill it."
Psalm 63:3-5~"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You. So will I bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips."
Matthew 5:6~"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be "satisfied" in the Lord. This quote from John Piper's book Desiring God really stuck out to me last night:
"Worship is a way of gladly reflecting back to God the radiance of His worth. This is the ideal. For God surely is more glorified when we delight in His magnificence than when we are so unmoved by it that we scarcely feel anything and only wish we could. Yet He is also glorified by the spark of anticipated gladness that gives rise to the sorrow we feel when our hearts are lukewarm. Even in the miserable guilt we feel over our beastlike insensitivity, the glory of God shines."

Why is it that the human heart insatiably desires more? Why is it that no matter how many blessings God pours out in my life, no matter how many prayers He answers, no matter how many ways He shows Himself faithful, it just never seems enough? Why do I even have the audacity to doubt Him or question Him? How can I allow my heart to spurn Him when He has given up everything for me?!

My heart has been in an interesting state of late. The call of God and the call of my heart are not in perfect alignment. In fact, they are basically in direct opposition. In one month I will be moving all the way across the country. God has opened every single door for me and worked out every single last detail! I've been reading back over my journals the past few weeks just to remind myself of all He has done, and it is truly amazing! There is absolutely no shadow of a doubt in my mind that Southeastern is where He wants me to go. In many respects, I am totally stoked. It is an amazing feeling to know beyond doubt that you are in the center of God's will! Yet at the same time, I have allowed my relationship with the Lord to grow cold. Rather than seeking His heart, I have spent far too much time listening to my own. The enemy is a real kill-joy. He is SO good at slipping in seeds of discontentment wherever and whenever he can. Prayer is the life-line to God. My life-line has been growing progressively thinner and more frayed. I've been a hypocrite, and I rather loath myself for it. I'm ready for my heart to be once again attuned to the gracious and loving voice of my Good Shepherd.

I'm tired of being human. Would someone like to turn me into a fish?

Am I the only one whose life gets caught in cycles? Let me see if I can explain. My closest friends tell me that I change starting about now until around the middle of March. The trouble is, they're right. I do change. The truth of it is, for the past three years I have fallen into a bout of depression from December to March. The sucky thing is, I can feel it coming on again this year. It's annoying and frustrating! Kind of like the "real" me is trapped somewhere and trying to get loose. I'm a fairly good actress. Only those who know me really, really well can usually tell when this happens. It makes for an exhausting holiday season because I am pretending to be so happy when in truth I am dying inside. I have some ideas as to what causes this, but it still sucks and I still have a hard time dealing with it. I mean, it's kind of hard to look at depression and say, "Go away!" For someone like me, it's hard enough to admit this happens in the first place. I think of Nehemiah 8:10~"Go your way...and do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength! This year at this time is weird. I'm getting ready to move all the way across the country, for crying out loud! And I'd really prefer to start school un-depressed. Basically, please just pray for me. I don't want to be conquered by this, but I'm really tired and not in the mood to fight. Pray that the Lord will give me grace and teach me to walk in HIS strength and by HIS might!